Some History

Weekends are never quite long enough are they? 5:00AM came WAY too quickly today. Last night before bed, my dad called me around 10:30PM. It was our first memorial day without my grandpa. It didn't really sink in until my dad called me. I know he was probably upset that I didn't call him. Honestly, I forgot. I know that sounds horrible of me, I just have had so much on my mind lately.
I didn't visit my grandpa's grave yesterday. I'm kind of sad I didn't now in hind sight. Granted it would have been a 30 to 45 minute drive. But we still should have gone. My husband probably would have strongly protested, and I probably would have ended up going by myself with the kiddos. But we still should have gone. I have a glaring reminder that I didn't go as I look at my facebook news feed. My dad doesn't go on facebook very often, but when he does, he posts 3 or more status updates at a time. He tends to go a little crazy on facebook. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I see those facebook updates. And I hate the sad feeling I get even more when I think of my dad.
Yesterday I said the story of my dad was for another day. Well, its another day. Last August, when my grandpa was starting to slip away from this life. My dad and I had a huge falling out. It was over something so ridiculous, I still cant believe it happened. A little background, my parents have been divorced since I was 11 years old. Naturally there are some pretty hard feelings between the two of them. Mostly from my moms end. But occasionally my dads frustration and hard feelings bubble to the surface. I never let my parents talk badly about each other when I am around. I spent my childhood listening to them bash each other, I wont hear it as an adult.
It was my simple request for my father to quit speaking negatively about my mother that set him off. The phone call ended when he would not stop. As much as I wish the negative words ended, they didn't. I received long text message after long text message. Eventually, angry words were spoken between both. Ending in some horrible words on my fathers end. Words that no child should ever hear their parent say, no matter how old they are, no matter the circumstance. It didn't end there. The anger spilled over several days before I finally had to have my husband tell my father to quit calling and quit texting.
A few days later my father apologized as best he could. But even so, things can never be the same. And that hurts. It hurts that I cant trust my dad the way I used to. It hurts that I don't feel comfortable calling him to just talk. I hurts because I so badly wish that things could go back to the way they were before. It hurts because I wish that my dad could play a bigger role in my children's lives. It hurts because my husband would rather him and my children not be around my father. It hurts, because it affected my relationship with my stepmother as well. It hurts my heart so deeply that words will never describe the depth of hurt.
I wish we had a huge life eraser, one that could erase certain events and memories from our past. But then again, it is through those life events that we grow and learn the most. Even if its a lesson we would rather have lived without.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. Once again, it really has nothing to do with the challenge. But then again, every little bit of my history has to do with who I am. And who I am has to do with why I yell. Maybe as time passes and I get my words and feelings down on "paper" I will get that much closer to understand myself a little better. And hopefully by understanding myself, I will be able to say good by to my raised voice forever.

I'm just at the beginning of day 5, but I am so determined to stay strong. I can do this!