So its been a while. I kind of gave up for a bit. I just got so down on myself, dwelling on the past, and on the bad that I just gave in. Then several things struck all at once, and whipped me back to reality. The past month I have felt as if I have been surrounded by tragedy. Not in my own home, but in the homes around me. A family in my neighborhood had a still born. A newly-wed co-worker lost her husband. Another co-workers husband was diagnosed with leukemia, her dear husband is the same age as my darling husband. And most difficult for me, a dear friend lost her child. Her sweet baby was only two weeks older than little handsome.
At first with all of this tragedy striking, I sunk back into my depressed self that I have so frequently resorted to. But after a few days I realized how truly blessed I am. As tragic as these events have been for those around me, they have helped me better see the beauty in life. They have helped me see how truly fragile life is. And that tragedy can strike anyone at anytime. These events have helped me strengthen my resolve. The last thing I want my loved ones to remember me by (should anything happen) is yelling. It helped me realize how truly important The Orange Rhino Challenge is.
I have been silently working on the challenge. I have had great days, and I have had bad days. Yesterday was a bit of both. I was able to make it all the way to bed time before I broke. Handsome was crying constantly unless he was in my arms. The Princess, well, she was on one. A naughty little cretin with way too much energy. I lost it for a moment. But I wont let one small moment stop me. I am back with a new fire in my heart. I am not going to let myself sink. It wont be easy, but I know that I can do it. I know I can! I want my children to know how much I love them. To truly know it by the way I serve them, by the way I speak to them, and by the way I love them.
So here I am, restarting my journey after a short hiatus. To love more, and to yell less.
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Showing posts with label history. Show all posts
Friday, July 19, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Six Years Ago
This past weekend was a crazy one. I hardly had a chance to sit down to breathe let alone blog. But here I am Monday morning, finally getting a chance to sit down and blog. This was a rough weekend. I cracked, at least twice. And it kills me. But in falling, I was able to recognize yet another trigger.
Stress: I am seriously the biggest stress case there ever was. Because I was so busy, I became stressed. Because I was stressed, I lost it.
There was a lot of good in the weekend as well. Being so busy wasn't all bad. There were plenty of learning experiences for me. And learning experiences are always a positive thing.
Now on to the post title. Six years ago today was essentially the biggest day of my life, it was the day I met my eternal companion. It was the day I met my husband. It is incredible how quickly time passes! I can hardly believe that six years have passed and we now have two beautiful children.
Simple choices can change our lives forever. It was one simple decision that lead me to meeting my husband. It was one simple decision that lead me to The Orange Rhino. Though I am still on my journey to a yell free life. My life has already changed. I was able to make it through yesterday without yelling. So lets shoot for one more! I can do this!
Stress: I am seriously the biggest stress case there ever was. Because I was so busy, I became stressed. Because I was stressed, I lost it.
There was a lot of good in the weekend as well. Being so busy wasn't all bad. There were plenty of learning experiences for me. And learning experiences are always a positive thing.
Now on to the post title. Six years ago today was essentially the biggest day of my life, it was the day I met my eternal companion. It was the day I met my husband. It is incredible how quickly time passes! I can hardly believe that six years have passed and we now have two beautiful children.
Simple choices can change our lives forever. It was one simple decision that lead me to meeting my husband. It was one simple decision that lead me to The Orange Rhino. Though I am still on my journey to a yell free life. My life has already changed. I was able to make it through yesterday without yelling. So lets shoot for one more! I can do this!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Triggers
Whew, last night was tough! There were multiple times I recognized some of my triggers and just had to walk away before I lost it. There is just something about the baby crying, the toddler shouting, and the husband blasting Josh Groban on the stereo all at once that seems to agitate me. Which leads me to my first trigger:
Noise- I have noticed that I just cant handle high noise situations very well. I cant listen to my music very loud or it stresses me out. Not in the car, not at home.
Crying- One child or the other crying I can handle. Both of them at the same time... that tends to set me off.
Fussing- Yes, there is a difference, at least in my book.
Whining- Two year olds are particularly good at this.
Too much energy- Most time this doesn't bother me too much. But bedtime is a different story. My husband is REALLY good at riling up the princess right before bed. He does it almost every night. When I've already faced too many triggers in the day, this one nearly puts me over the edge.
I was able to survive the day, but barely. At one point I ended up having to hand the baby over to the hubs and walk away. The hubs was pretty frustrated and just wanted me to stick it out. He's still getting used to my challenge. He thinks my blog is silly and that it should just be easy to turn off the yell. Easy for him, he's never been a yeller. But he complied after I explained that if I didn't walk away right that second, I would lose it. He really is a supportive husband, he just has a hard time understanding me, and why I am the way I am. We grew up in completely different ways. His family is pretty near perfect (I'm very thankful for this, and not in a sarcastic way). My family.... well we have our issues... lots of them.
I've had friends ask me "how did you turn out? How are you normal with a family like yours?" Sometimes I wonder. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not normal, I'm just really good at faking it. That being said, I am more rounded than most of my family members for one simple reason, my step-dad. He really has made all the difference in my life. The rock of stability in a sea of chaos. I'm so thankful he is a part of my life. I call him at least on a weekly basis, just to talk. I have also called him when I'm completely at my wits end, on days that my hubby is not available to call (work, school, etc).
Sorry that last paragraph was kind of a tangent but hey, I never said this blog would be perfect.
So far I have made it through 6 days! Though I've had a few close calls, I have managed to not yell. After today a week will have passed since I began my journey. Its been tough this far, and I know it will get harder before it gets easier. But I can do this! 6 days down! Here's to 6 more!!
Noise- I have noticed that I just cant handle high noise situations very well. I cant listen to my music very loud or it stresses me out. Not in the car, not at home.
Crying- One child or the other crying I can handle. Both of them at the same time... that tends to set me off.
Fussing- Yes, there is a difference, at least in my book.
Whining- Two year olds are particularly good at this.
Too much energy- Most time this doesn't bother me too much. But bedtime is a different story. My husband is REALLY good at riling up the princess right before bed. He does it almost every night. When I've already faced too many triggers in the day, this one nearly puts me over the edge.
I was able to survive the day, but barely. At one point I ended up having to hand the baby over to the hubs and walk away. The hubs was pretty frustrated and just wanted me to stick it out. He's still getting used to my challenge. He thinks my blog is silly and that it should just be easy to turn off the yell. Easy for him, he's never been a yeller. But he complied after I explained that if I didn't walk away right that second, I would lose it. He really is a supportive husband, he just has a hard time understanding me, and why I am the way I am. We grew up in completely different ways. His family is pretty near perfect (I'm very thankful for this, and not in a sarcastic way). My family.... well we have our issues... lots of them.
I've had friends ask me "how did you turn out? How are you normal with a family like yours?" Sometimes I wonder. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not normal, I'm just really good at faking it. That being said, I am more rounded than most of my family members for one simple reason, my step-dad. He really has made all the difference in my life. The rock of stability in a sea of chaos. I'm so thankful he is a part of my life. I call him at least on a weekly basis, just to talk. I have also called him when I'm completely at my wits end, on days that my hubby is not available to call (work, school, etc).
Sorry that last paragraph was kind of a tangent but hey, I never said this blog would be perfect.
So far I have made it through 6 days! Though I've had a few close calls, I have managed to not yell. After today a week will have passed since I began my journey. Its been tough this far, and I know it will get harder before it gets easier. But I can do this! 6 days down! Here's to 6 more!!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Some History
Weekends are never quite long enough are they? 5:00AM came WAY too quickly today. Last night before bed, my dad called me around 10:30PM. It was our first memorial day without my grandpa. It didn't really sink in until my dad called me. I know he was probably upset that I didn't call him. Honestly, I forgot. I know that sounds horrible of me, I just have had so much on my mind lately.
I didn't visit my grandpa's grave yesterday. I'm kind of sad I didn't now in hind sight. Granted it would have been a 30 to 45 minute drive. But we still should have gone. My husband probably would have strongly protested, and I probably would have ended up going by myself with the kiddos. But we still should have gone. I have a glaring reminder that I didn't go as I look at my facebook news feed. My dad doesn't go on facebook very often, but when he does, he posts 3 or more status updates at a time. He tends to go a little crazy on facebook. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I see those facebook updates. And I hate the sad feeling I get even more when I think of my dad.
Yesterday I said the story of my dad was for another day. Well, its another day. Last August, when my grandpa was starting to slip away from this life. My dad and I had a huge falling out. It was over something so ridiculous, I still cant believe it happened. A little background, my parents have been divorced since I was 11 years old. Naturally there are some pretty hard feelings between the two of them. Mostly from my moms end. But occasionally my dads frustration and hard feelings bubble to the surface. I never let my parents talk badly about each other when I am around. I spent my childhood listening to them bash each other, I wont hear it as an adult.
It was my simple request for my father to quit speaking negatively about my mother that set him off. The phone call ended when he would not stop. As much as I wish the negative words ended, they didn't. I received long text message after long text message. Eventually, angry words were spoken between both. Ending in some horrible words on my fathers end. Words that no child should ever hear their parent say, no matter how old they are, no matter the circumstance. It didn't end there. The anger spilled over several days before I finally had to have my husband tell my father to quit calling and quit texting.
A few days later my father apologized as best he could. But even so, things can never be the same. And that hurts. It hurts that I cant trust my dad the way I used to. It hurts that I don't feel comfortable calling him to just talk. I hurts because I so badly wish that things could go back to the way they were before. It hurts because I wish that my dad could play a bigger role in my children's lives. It hurts because my husband would rather him and my children not be around my father. It hurts, because it affected my relationship with my stepmother as well. It hurts my heart so deeply that words will never describe the depth of hurt.
I wish we had a huge life eraser, one that could erase certain events and memories from our past. But then again, it is through those life events that we grow and learn the most. Even if its a lesson we would rather have lived without.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. Once again, it really has nothing to do with the challenge. But then again, every little bit of my history has to do with who I am. And who I am has to do with why I yell. Maybe as time passes and I get my words and feelings down on "paper" I will get that much closer to understand myself a little better. And hopefully by understanding myself, I will be able to say good by to my raised voice forever.
I'm just at the beginning of day 5, but I am so determined to stay strong. I can do this!
I didn't visit my grandpa's grave yesterday. I'm kind of sad I didn't now in hind sight. Granted it would have been a 30 to 45 minute drive. But we still should have gone. My husband probably would have strongly protested, and I probably would have ended up going by myself with the kiddos. But we still should have gone. I have a glaring reminder that I didn't go as I look at my facebook news feed. My dad doesn't go on facebook very often, but when he does, he posts 3 or more status updates at a time. He tends to go a little crazy on facebook. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I see those facebook updates. And I hate the sad feeling I get even more when I think of my dad.
Yesterday I said the story of my dad was for another day. Well, its another day. Last August, when my grandpa was starting to slip away from this life. My dad and I had a huge falling out. It was over something so ridiculous, I still cant believe it happened. A little background, my parents have been divorced since I was 11 years old. Naturally there are some pretty hard feelings between the two of them. Mostly from my moms end. But occasionally my dads frustration and hard feelings bubble to the surface. I never let my parents talk badly about each other when I am around. I spent my childhood listening to them bash each other, I wont hear it as an adult.
It was my simple request for my father to quit speaking negatively about my mother that set him off. The phone call ended when he would not stop. As much as I wish the negative words ended, they didn't. I received long text message after long text message. Eventually, angry words were spoken between both. Ending in some horrible words on my fathers end. Words that no child should ever hear their parent say, no matter how old they are, no matter the circumstance. It didn't end there. The anger spilled over several days before I finally had to have my husband tell my father to quit calling and quit texting.
A few days later my father apologized as best he could. But even so, things can never be the same. And that hurts. It hurts that I cant trust my dad the way I used to. It hurts that I don't feel comfortable calling him to just talk. I hurts because I so badly wish that things could go back to the way they were before. It hurts because I wish that my dad could play a bigger role in my children's lives. It hurts because my husband would rather him and my children not be around my father. It hurts, because it affected my relationship with my stepmother as well. It hurts my heart so deeply that words will never describe the depth of hurt.
I wish we had a huge life eraser, one that could erase certain events and memories from our past. But then again, it is through those life events that we grow and learn the most. Even if its a lesson we would rather have lived without.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. Once again, it really has nothing to do with the challenge. But then again, every little bit of my history has to do with who I am. And who I am has to do with why I yell. Maybe as time passes and I get my words and feelings down on "paper" I will get that much closer to understand myself a little better. And hopefully by understanding myself, I will be able to say good by to my raised voice forever.
I'm just at the beginning of day 5, but I am so determined to stay strong. I can do this!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Reflections
As this wonderful, long weekend comes to a close, I sit here with my little handsome asleep on my lap. He is so perfect, children truly are the greatest blessing! I am proud to say that I have successfully made it through the past 4 days without yelling. I think this long weekend really helped, it was definitely needed.
A few minutes ago I was meandering through facebook, I saw a post from a friend. I've known this friend for years, ever since middle school. We have a rocky past but I love her to death. Her profile picture, though the same picture she's had since November, caught my eye. Its a picture of her and another mutual friend. Just killing time, I clicked on the photo to get a closer look and scrolled through the comments. Mostly comments from the two women about how they have been friends for so long. A slight stab of pain hit my heart.
You see, these women were once my very best friends. The first, really is more like a sister than a friend. But if you knew anything about my family, thats really nothing to brag about. I have siblings that I haven't seen in years. And others, I'm not really keen on seeing. My relationship with my father is damaged and torn. The foundation shaken last summer. However; that is a story for another day.
Seeing this picture flashed me back to high school, specifically the summer after my junior year. The summer when my very two best friends were no longer my friends. I still to this day do not really not know what happened. I don't know what it was I did. Now don't mistake me here for playing the victim. I'm not. Though that summer and the following year were probably the worst of my life, I know I was just as much to blame for the loss of my friends. I just wish I knew what I did, so I quit repeating it. Though we are all back on speaking terms and even friendly. Things just aren't the same, and I know they never can be, and that breaks my heart.
I'm not an easy person to like. I'm not sure if I just say all of the wrong things, but I have had someone tell me that its just something about my personality. Someone who I also once considered my best friend. I have horrible luck when it comes to making and keeping friends. I truly want to know what it is about me that drives people away. Part of me has an idea, the rest of me is in denial. No one wants to believe there is anything wrong with them.
Sorry this post really had nothing to do with the challenge. But like I said in the first post, this is pretty much my place to spill my guts. I think it kind of helps having a place that I can just vent. I can take out my hurt feelings on my keyboard, rather than my babes.
So far I'm 4 days into my challenge, and all 4 days have been a success! Heres to 4 more!
(I have a cute little handsome to play with who just woke up)
Cheers!
A few minutes ago I was meandering through facebook, I saw a post from a friend. I've known this friend for years, ever since middle school. We have a rocky past but I love her to death. Her profile picture, though the same picture she's had since November, caught my eye. Its a picture of her and another mutual friend. Just killing time, I clicked on the photo to get a closer look and scrolled through the comments. Mostly comments from the two women about how they have been friends for so long. A slight stab of pain hit my heart.
You see, these women were once my very best friends. The first, really is more like a sister than a friend. But if you knew anything about my family, thats really nothing to brag about. I have siblings that I haven't seen in years. And others, I'm not really keen on seeing. My relationship with my father is damaged and torn. The foundation shaken last summer. However; that is a story for another day.
Seeing this picture flashed me back to high school, specifically the summer after my junior year. The summer when my very two best friends were no longer my friends. I still to this day do not really not know what happened. I don't know what it was I did. Now don't mistake me here for playing the victim. I'm not. Though that summer and the following year were probably the worst of my life, I know I was just as much to blame for the loss of my friends. I just wish I knew what I did, so I quit repeating it. Though we are all back on speaking terms and even friendly. Things just aren't the same, and I know they never can be, and that breaks my heart.
I'm not an easy person to like. I'm not sure if I just say all of the wrong things, but I have had someone tell me that its just something about my personality. Someone who I also once considered my best friend. I have horrible luck when it comes to making and keeping friends. I truly want to know what it is about me that drives people away. Part of me has an idea, the rest of me is in denial. No one wants to believe there is anything wrong with them.
Sorry this post really had nothing to do with the challenge. But like I said in the first post, this is pretty much my place to spill my guts. I think it kind of helps having a place that I can just vent. I can take out my hurt feelings on my keyboard, rather than my babes.
So far I'm 4 days into my challenge, and all 4 days have been a success! Heres to 4 more!
(I have a cute little handsome to play with who just woke up)
Cheers!
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