Finally Back

So its been a while. I kind of gave up for a bit. I just got so down on myself, dwelling on the past, and on the bad that I just gave in. Then several things struck all at once, and whipped me back to reality. The past month I have felt as if I have been surrounded by tragedy. Not in my own home, but in the homes around me. A family in my neighborhood had a still born. A newly-wed co-worker lost her husband. Another co-workers husband was diagnosed with leukemia, her dear husband is the same age as my darling husband. And most difficult for me, a dear friend lost her child. Her sweet baby was only two weeks older than little handsome.
At first with all of this tragedy striking, I sunk back into my depressed self that I have so frequently resorted to. But after a few days I realized how truly blessed I am. As tragic as these events have been for those around me, they have helped me better see the beauty in life. They have helped me see how truly fragile life is. And that tragedy can strike anyone at anytime. These events have helped me strengthen my resolve. The last thing I want my loved ones to remember me by (should anything happen) is yelling. It helped me realize how truly important The Orange Rhino Challenge is.
I have been silently working on the challenge. I have had great days, and I have had bad days. Yesterday was a bit of both. I was able to make it all the way to bed time before I broke. Handsome was crying constantly unless he was in my arms. The Princess, well, she was on one. A naughty little cretin with way too much energy. I lost it for a moment.  But I wont let one small moment stop me. I am back with a new fire in my heart. I am not going to let myself sink. It wont be easy, but I know that I can do it. I know I can! I want my children to know how much I love them. To truly know it by the way I serve them, by the way I speak to them, and by the way I love them.
So here I am, restarting my journey after a short hiatus. To love more, and to yell less.

Challenge Accepted

This morning while meandering through facebook a family member posted a link. That link caught my attention so I opened it. The link lead me to the hands free mama. What caught my attention you say? The post was called The Important Thing About Yelling. I read through the post and I nearly cried. It hit way too close to home. That link then lead me to The Orange Rhino. Reading through several posts I was on the verge of tears. It was as if I was reading words from my own heart.

 

I held back a breakdown so as not to attract attention from those around me as I was brought back to the many many days before. The days where I have completely lost it, the days that I screamed at my own beautiful babies. Then the guilt sank in (again). I am a horrible mother, no decent mother yells at their two year old and 5 month old children, for being just that, children. For doing things that two year old and 5 month old children do. I wanted to sink into a deep, dark hole. The same hole that I frequently wish I had on days where I just cant take it anymore.

 

After a few minutes of useless self pity I decided If she can do it, I can do it. I started searching the website for HOW she did it. HOW do you stop yelling? When its so ingrained into you! That's when I found the 12 steps and I decided that today is the day. Today, May 24th 2013, I will stop yelling at my kids.

 

It will not be an easy journey, that I know. I will make mistakes, I will fall. But I will get back up again. I WILL NOT fail! I CANNOT fail! My beautiful babies deserve so much more. I started this blog as a personal diary. One that people can read, one that people can hold me accountable for. That being said, I chose to keep this blog anonymous, I wont be sharing the link on my facebook page. I wont be sharing it with my friends and family. 

 

Why anonymous you say? Perhaps shame, perhaps fear? I'm not sure exactly why. But I also do not want to rely on this blog for success. In the past I have started a blog to better myself, I plastered the link on my facebook page. I got so discouraged and upset when I didn't get the following and the encouragement from others that I wanted. This time, this time I am doing this for me. If others find my blog by chance, awesome! If they hang around, great! If I inspire them to change, even better!

 

Another reason for keeping anonymous is because I will be writing directly from my heart. I will not be using names, not my family or my own. I will be sharing stories that affect me, who I am, and why I am the person I am.

 

If you are here, welcome to my journey.