15 things that I need to give up.

Yep I know, I just posted and I'm already back for more! Actually, I just read an article that really hit me, I felt the need to comment on it. The article is called 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy. It really is a great article with so many good points! I relate to all 15 points.

1. Give up your need to always be right. I'm bad at this, really really bad at this. I don't know what it is but I always feel the need to be right. Which leads to arguments. And me constantly trying to get the last word. But it is more important to be kind than be right.

2. Give up your need for control. This one is probably the easiest one for me to let go. Though there are plenty of times I feel the need to be in control of something (or someone).

3. Give up on blame. This one is tough. No one wants to take responsibility for negative things. But it is so important that we don't lay the blame on others.

4. Give up on your self-defeating self-talk. This one will probably be the hardest to let go of. I just constantly have the "I'm not good enough" thought running through my mind. I've been a self-defeater since I was very young. It's more ingrained in me than my yelling is.

5. Give up on limiting your beliefs. This one goes hand in hand with number 4. Because I self-defeat so much, its ingrained in my mind that I'm not good enough and will never amount to much. But here's the thing, I AM good enough. And I have already amounted to something very important, a mother.

6. Give up complaining. Oh boy, this one... this one is going to be tough. I complain... oh do I complain. I complain without even realizing I'm doing it. I complain about being tired (very often), I complain about not feeling well, I complain about head aches, body aches, nerves, EVERYTHING.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. We all criticize, most don't even realize we are doing it. But I like how the article worded it, "we all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood." SO true!

8. Give up your need to impress others. Gosh, this one dates waaaay back for me. I have lived most my entire life trying to impress other people. Caring what they thought about me, wanting desperately to be one of the "cool kids." But you know what? Its not important. It doesn't matter what table you sit at in the lunch area. Those around you do not define who you are. Being popular does not make you a better person. And we all discover that once high school is over, none of that matters any more.... And yet, we still as adults, form clicks, and struggle to fit in. Why? WHY is it so important for us to be better than the person next to us?

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change, its scary! But its also necessary. Life cannot go on without change. If you're not changing, you're probably dead.

10. Give up labels. Judging is a part of human nature. There are plenty of times where judgment is appropriate. But I learned that when I stopped judging at least one person, that opened the door for that person to become a friend. Amazing how that happens.

11. Give up on your fears. How does one just let go of their fears? Fear is self preservation... It is also limiting.

12. Give up on your excuses. Excuses are like butts, everyone has one and they all stink.

13. Give up the past. No matter how much we wish for it, it will NEVER return. When we focus so much on the past, we lose sight of the present. We start missing things, important things. Like our children growing up. The only way we can witness that, is to live in the present.

14. Give up attachment. Ok, this one.. this one is me. I am an attached person. Driven by fear maybe? I guess I've lost so many friends, and I don't have much of a relationship with my side of the family outside of my parents (and by parents I mean mother and step-father). My deepest attachment is to my husband. Wow, this is hard to type! My attachment level to my husband is probably unhealthy. The article said "where there is love, there cant be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist." Ouch. I have such a hard time with being ok with my husband going out and doing his own thing. Whether it be working out, hanging out with friends, going camping, going biking, going hiking. Over night trips? Forget about it. I cant handle being home over night alone. I remember the first time my husband was going to be away from me over night. It was less than a year after we got  married. His sisters husband was up in the mountains hunting by himself, and thought he was having a heart attack. My sister in law was visiting her parents two hours away from her home and where her husband was hunting. It was late, she was tired, and she had a baby under 1. At the urging of his parents and out of his desire to hunt the next day with his brother in law. My husband offered to drive his sister home. He would be gone over night and the entire next day. I had a panic attack while he was on his way there. I made him drop his sister off at her house, and turn around and drive 2 hours home. In the middle of the night. He loves me. But I am selfish.

15. Give up living your life to other people's expectations. This one drives my husband crazy. Most everything I do is because my mother expects it. He says I give her way to much power in my life. And he's right.

SO, while I am working on The Orange Rhino Challenge to better myself, I will also be working on letting go of these 15 things.

We All Have Bad Days

Sometimes we fall down, but its SO important that we don't give up! You can never fail as long as you keep trying.

Last night I slipped up. Thursdays have notoriously been the hardest day in the week for me for months. Its usually the day I yell the most, or have one of my regular emotional break downs. I yelled at my poor little princess because she would not stop touching the laptop. I did ask her multiple times very kindly. I was yelling before I even realized that I was. It broke my heart for two reasons, the first because my little princess just doesn't deserve that. Second, because after a week of trying SO HARD and doing SO well! After near misses and easy breezy days. I cracked, I broke, and I fell off the Rhino (so to speak).

It was a learning experience and helped me identify another trigger:
deliberate disobedience: Classic for most every two year old.

Though I fell I will NOT give up! Here I am at the beginning of day 8. Starting all over again. I know I can do this! I knew there would be hard days. I knew there was a chance (a really good one) that I would break. SO back to square one I go.

Triggers

Whew, last night was tough! There were multiple times I recognized some of my triggers and just had to walk away before I lost it. There is just something about the baby crying, the toddler shouting, and the husband blasting Josh Groban on the stereo all at once that seems to agitate me. Which leads me to my first trigger:
Noise- I have noticed that I just cant handle high noise situations very well. I cant listen to my music very loud or it stresses me out. Not in the car, not at home.
Crying- One child or the other crying I can handle. Both of them at the same time... that tends to set me off.
Fussing- Yes, there is a difference, at least in my book.
Whining- Two year olds are particularly good at this.
Too much energy- Most time this doesn't bother me too much. But bedtime is a different story. My husband is REALLY good at riling up the princess right before bed. He does it almost every night. When I've already faced too many triggers in the day, this one nearly puts me over the edge.

I was able to survive the day, but barely. At one point I ended up having to hand the baby over to the hubs and walk away. The hubs was pretty frustrated and just wanted me to stick it out. He's still getting used to my challenge. He thinks my blog is silly and that it should just be easy to turn off the yell. Easy for him, he's never been a yeller. But he complied after I explained that if I didn't walk away right that second, I would lose it. He really is a supportive husband, he just has a hard time understanding me, and why I am the way I am. We grew up in completely different ways. His family is pretty near perfect (I'm very thankful for this, and not in a sarcastic way). My family.... well we have our issues... lots of them.

I've had friends ask me "how did you turn out? How are you normal with a family like yours?" Sometimes I wonder. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not normal, I'm just really good at faking it. That being said, I am more rounded than most of my family members for one simple reason, my step-dad. He really has made all the difference in my life. The rock of stability in a sea of chaos. I'm so thankful he is a part of my life. I call him at least on a weekly basis, just to talk. I have also called him when I'm completely at my wits end, on days that my hubby is not available to call (work, school, etc).

Sorry that last paragraph was kind of a tangent but hey, I never said this blog would be perfect.

So far I have made it through 6 days! Though I've had a few close calls, I have managed to not yell. After today a week will have passed since I began my journey. Its been tough this far, and I know it will get harder before it gets easier. But I can do this! 6 days down! Here's to 6 more!!

Close Call

Yesterday I came dangerously close to yelling at the princess. I didn't, but it was a close call. In my defense, she chucked a plastic piggy bank school bus at me. My ankle has a nice gash on it. Other than that, the day went remarkably well. Despite exhaustion and an extremely fussy princess. Little handsome had his moments too.
Yesterday morning the kids woke up about 2 hours earlier than usual, daddy gets the morning shift since I work from 6am to 10am. So he got the brunt of the exhaustion. I was thankful for their early rising though. Because they woke up so much earlier, that meant I got to put them down for their naps a little earlier. I capitalized on the opportunity and took a nap. Something I DESPERATELY need today. Little handsome woke up at 4am wanting to eat, and he wouldn't go back to sleep. So I got to rise an hour earlier today than I usually do. I am exhausted, I'm surprised I actually made it into work.
Being a working mom is tough. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful that I HAVE a job. Especially in this economy. But I hate being away from my beauties in the morning. Darling Husband only has one more semester left of school. Hopefully he will be able to find a good paying job after graduation so I can quit. I look forward to the day that I don't have to leave so early in the morning. Every morning gets harder to get up and harder to leave. I just have to remind myself why I do it. I have pictures of my beautiful family plastered around my desk at work. It helps when I have those break down, all I want is to be at home, moments.

Yesterday was pretty easy over all. I feel like I wont be so lucky to day. I can already feel the exhaustion affecting my mood. I have been on the challenge for 5 days now, I am determined to not slip up! I can do this! 5 days down, lets shoot for five more! Crossing my fingers that I make it through today in one piece!

Some History

Weekends are never quite long enough are they? 5:00AM came WAY too quickly today. Last night before bed, my dad called me around 10:30PM. It was our first memorial day without my grandpa. It didn't really sink in until my dad called me. I know he was probably upset that I didn't call him. Honestly, I forgot. I know that sounds horrible of me, I just have had so much on my mind lately.
I didn't visit my grandpa's grave yesterday. I'm kind of sad I didn't now in hind sight. Granted it would have been a 30 to 45 minute drive. But we still should have gone. My husband probably would have strongly protested, and I probably would have ended up going by myself with the kiddos. But we still should have gone. I have a glaring reminder that I didn't go as I look at my facebook news feed. My dad doesn't go on facebook very often, but when he does, he posts 3 or more status updates at a time. He tends to go a little crazy on facebook. I hate the guilty feeling I get when I see those facebook updates. And I hate the sad feeling I get even more when I think of my dad.
Yesterday I said the story of my dad was for another day. Well, its another day. Last August, when my grandpa was starting to slip away from this life. My dad and I had a huge falling out. It was over something so ridiculous, I still cant believe it happened. A little background, my parents have been divorced since I was 11 years old. Naturally there are some pretty hard feelings between the two of them. Mostly from my moms end. But occasionally my dads frustration and hard feelings bubble to the surface. I never let my parents talk badly about each other when I am around. I spent my childhood listening to them bash each other, I wont hear it as an adult.
It was my simple request for my father to quit speaking negatively about my mother that set him off. The phone call ended when he would not stop. As much as I wish the negative words ended, they didn't. I received long text message after long text message. Eventually, angry words were spoken between both. Ending in some horrible words on my fathers end. Words that no child should ever hear their parent say, no matter how old they are, no matter the circumstance. It didn't end there. The anger spilled over several days before I finally had to have my husband tell my father to quit calling and quit texting.
A few days later my father apologized as best he could. But even so, things can never be the same. And that hurts. It hurts that I cant trust my dad the way I used to. It hurts that I don't feel comfortable calling him to just talk. I hurts because I so badly wish that things could go back to the way they were before. It hurts because I wish that my dad could play a bigger role in my children's lives. It hurts because my husband would rather him and my children not be around my father. It hurts, because it affected my relationship with my stepmother as well. It hurts my heart so deeply that words will never describe the depth of hurt.
I wish we had a huge life eraser, one that could erase certain events and memories from our past. But then again, it is through those life events that we grow and learn the most. Even if its a lesson we would rather have lived without.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. Once again, it really has nothing to do with the challenge. But then again, every little bit of my history has to do with who I am. And who I am has to do with why I yell. Maybe as time passes and I get my words and feelings down on "paper" I will get that much closer to understand myself a little better. And hopefully by understanding myself, I will be able to say good by to my raised voice forever.

I'm just at the beginning of day 5, but I am so determined to stay strong. I can do this!

Reflections

As this wonderful, long weekend comes to a close, I sit here with my little handsome asleep on my lap. He is so perfect, children truly are the greatest blessing! I am proud to say that I have successfully made it through the past 4 days without yelling. I think this long weekend really helped, it was definitely needed.
A few minutes ago I was meandering through facebook, I saw a post from a friend. I've known this friend for years, ever since middle school. We have a rocky past but I love her to death. Her profile picture, though the same picture she's had since November, caught my eye. Its a picture of her and another mutual friend. Just killing time, I clicked on the photo to get a closer look and scrolled through the comments. Mostly comments from the two women about how they have been friends for so long. A slight stab of pain hit my heart.
You see, these women were once my very best friends. The first, really is more like a sister than a friend. But if you knew anything about my family, thats really nothing to brag about. I have siblings that I haven't seen in years. And others, I'm not really keen on seeing. My relationship with my father is damaged and torn. The foundation shaken last summer. However; that is a story for another day.
Seeing this picture flashed me back to high school, specifically the summer after my junior year. The summer when my very two best friends were no longer my friends. I still to this day do not really not know what happened. I don't know what it was I did. Now don't mistake me here for playing the victim. I'm not. Though that summer and the following year were probably the worst of my life, I know I was just as much to blame for the loss of my friends. I just wish I knew what I did, so I quit repeating it. Though we are all back on speaking terms and even friendly. Things just aren't the same, and I know they never can be, and that breaks my heart.
I'm not an easy person to like. I'm not sure if I just say all of the wrong things, but I have had someone tell me that its just something about my personality. Someone who I also once considered my best friend. I have horrible luck when it comes to making and keeping friends. I truly want to know what it is about me that drives people away. Part of me has an idea, the rest of me is in denial. No one wants to believe there is anything wrong with them.
Sorry this post really had nothing to do with the challenge. But like I said in the first post, this is pretty much my place to spill my guts. I think it kind of helps having a place that I can just vent. I can take out my hurt feelings on my keyboard, rather than my babes.


So far I'm 4 days into my challenge, and all 4 days have been a success! Heres to 4 more!
 (I have a cute little handsome to play with who just woke up)
Cheers!

Day 2

We all have good days and bad days, today was a good day. It's days like today that really help me feel like this goal is more within my grasp. I spent most of the day at a family members house for a bridal shower. The kids had a blast playing with family members and friends and being the center of attention. After the bridal shower, the babes, the hubs, and I went on a walk by the river near our house. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect. While strolling down the bike path I just couldn't help but think about how much I truly love my life. I am so blessed and truly grateful for my family.

This post is short but sweet. I know that not every day will be as great as today was. Bad days are bound to show their ugly faces. But all I have to do is remember the good and know that I CAN do this. Two days are in my pocket. Lets shoot for two more!

Setting Goals

As I lay here between my sleeping babies I reflect on my day. I wanted to post my goals earlier but between kids and life, I just didn't have a chance. My first goal was to make it through the day without yelling. Small goal I know but "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" right? I am proud to say at 8:30 P.M. I've made it.

Goals are important in order to accomplish something. Especially something as difficult as changing yourself. My ultimate goal is to never yell again. As lofty as it is, thats what I want. I hate myself when I yell at my babies and my husband. I hate the look I see in my princesses eyes when mommy is angry. Its so common around our house that the hubs even cracks jokes about my yelling. We were watching the movie Up and he cracked a joke about how from now on when I yell he is going to make the mocking sound that Kevin (the bird) makes when Mr. Fredrikson is yelling at it to go away.

I know that it is highly unlikely for me to just stop yelling. Its just not that easy. So I am going to take it a day at a time. One day, that isn't too hard. I will have bad days, I know that. I might yell again. But it is so important that I do not give up. One day I will look back at this blog and my yelling will just be a memory.

So here I am, posting to myself, for myself. My Goal: One day at a time. Every morning I wake up, my goal for the day is to not yell. If I make a mistake, if I fall off the horse, I will get back up again. I will start over.

I can do this, I have to do this, I WILL do this!

Challenge Accepted

This morning while meandering through facebook a family member posted a link. That link caught my attention so I opened it. The link lead me to the hands free mama. What caught my attention you say? The post was called The Important Thing About Yelling. I read through the post and I nearly cried. It hit way too close to home. That link then lead me to The Orange Rhino. Reading through several posts I was on the verge of tears. It was as if I was reading words from my own heart.

 

I held back a breakdown so as not to attract attention from those around me as I was brought back to the many many days before. The days where I have completely lost it, the days that I screamed at my own beautiful babies. Then the guilt sank in (again). I am a horrible mother, no decent mother yells at their two year old and 5 month old children, for being just that, children. For doing things that two year old and 5 month old children do. I wanted to sink into a deep, dark hole. The same hole that I frequently wish I had on days where I just cant take it anymore.

 

After a few minutes of useless self pity I decided If she can do it, I can do it. I started searching the website for HOW she did it. HOW do you stop yelling? When its so ingrained into you! That's when I found the 12 steps and I decided that today is the day. Today, May 24th 2013, I will stop yelling at my kids.

 

It will not be an easy journey, that I know. I will make mistakes, I will fall. But I will get back up again. I WILL NOT fail! I CANNOT fail! My beautiful babies deserve so much more. I started this blog as a personal diary. One that people can read, one that people can hold me accountable for. That being said, I chose to keep this blog anonymous, I wont be sharing the link on my facebook page. I wont be sharing it with my friends and family. 

 

Why anonymous you say? Perhaps shame, perhaps fear? I'm not sure exactly why. But I also do not want to rely on this blog for success. In the past I have started a blog to better myself, I plastered the link on my facebook page. I got so discouraged and upset when I didn't get the following and the encouragement from others that I wanted. This time, this time I am doing this for me. If others find my blog by chance, awesome! If they hang around, great! If I inspire them to change, even better!

 

Another reason for keeping anonymous is because I will be writing directly from my heart. I will not be using names, not my family or my own. I will be sharing stories that affect me, who I am, and why I am the person I am.

 

If you are here, welcome to my journey.