So its been a while. I kind of gave up for a bit. I just got so down on myself, dwelling on the past, and on the bad that I just gave in. Then several things struck all at once, and whipped me back to reality. The past month I have felt as if I have been surrounded by tragedy. Not in my own home, but in the homes around me. A family in my neighborhood had a still born. A newly-wed co-worker lost her husband. Another co-workers husband was diagnosed with leukemia, her dear husband is the same age as my darling husband. And most difficult for me, a dear friend lost her child. Her sweet baby was only two weeks older than little handsome.
At first with all of this tragedy striking, I sunk back into my depressed self that I have so frequently resorted to. But after a few days I realized how truly blessed I am. As tragic as these events have been for those around me, they have helped me better see the beauty in life. They have helped me see how truly fragile life is. And that tragedy can strike anyone at anytime. These events have helped me strengthen my resolve. The last thing I want my loved ones to remember me by (should anything happen) is yelling. It helped me realize how truly important The Orange Rhino Challenge is.
I have been silently working on the challenge. I have had great days, and I have had bad days. Yesterday was a bit of both. I was able to make it all the way to bed time before I broke. Handsome was crying constantly unless he was in my arms. The Princess, well, she was on one. A naughty little cretin with way too much energy. I lost it for a moment. But I wont let one small moment stop me. I am back with a new fire in my heart. I am not going to let myself sink. It wont be easy, but I know that I can do it. I know I can! I want my children to know how much I love them. To truly know it by the way I serve them, by the way I speak to them, and by the way I love them.
So here I am, restarting my journey after a short hiatus. To love more, and to yell less.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Yesterday
Now I'm spontaneously going to break out into song (singing the Beatles of course)
No actually this post has nothing to do with the sad lyrics of the popular Beatles song. Though it is a very good one :) Ah Yesterday. It wasn't horrible. But I definitely did not do well. I feel like I'm having a harder time getting back up on the horse and starting up the challenge again. Every day seems to be more difficult. I knew this challenge would be hard but I just had no idea exactly how hard it would be.
Yesterday I got so stressed so easily. That probably had to do with the fact that I had pretty much nothing to eat all day. I forgot to take my break at work and eat breakfast (and pump). So I had part of a bagel when I got home. The princess demanded I share. No lunch for me, I had to run a few errands. It was hard enough getting lunch to the babes. That and there really is not much food in my house right now. I didn't eat until almost 7 yesterday evening. Needless to say, yelling happened, frustration happened, and I came really close to a break down.
If there is one thing you should know about me, its the fact that I cant afford to miss meals. Weight is a major major problem for me, and not in the sense most people complain about. I cannot miss meals. I lose weight so quickly, I am already way too thin. It is nearly impossible for me to gain weight. Throw nursing in there, its almost a recipe for disaster. The hubs thinks I need to quit nursing because little handsome is now 6 months old and the hubs feels nursing is putting too much of a tole on my body and mind. I just cant imagine quitting nursing right now. I literally broke down when he told me that. I'm not ready to quit nursing, not yet. But health wise, it would be a good idea. But I just cant do it.
I need to dig deep, I need to find the root of my problems. I need to fix them. But I am just so intimidated. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Its hard enough talking to my husband. On top of that, we cant afford it. Even if I did want to go get help, we don't have the money to do so. We have no insurance, we have no savings. We make ends meet. We spend our excess on luxuries when we are lucky enough to have excess. I don't always feel this way, I have a cycle. Right now I'm at the bottom of that cycle. I'm just hoping so desperately that it ends soon and I move towards the upside. I'm not unhappy with my life. I have everything I could have ever imagined and more. I am so blessed and so truly thankful. I really don't know the cause of my issues. Maybe its upbringing, maybe I'm just crazy.
Well, I feel like I have said this a thousand times now. But here I go, starting over yet AGAIN. Wish me luck that I make it through today and this weekend. I can do this, I can make it through today without yelling.
No actually this post has nothing to do with the sad lyrics of the popular Beatles song. Though it is a very good one :) Ah Yesterday. It wasn't horrible. But I definitely did not do well. I feel like I'm having a harder time getting back up on the horse and starting up the challenge again. Every day seems to be more difficult. I knew this challenge would be hard but I just had no idea exactly how hard it would be.
Yesterday I got so stressed so easily. That probably had to do with the fact that I had pretty much nothing to eat all day. I forgot to take my break at work and eat breakfast (and pump). So I had part of a bagel when I got home. The princess demanded I share. No lunch for me, I had to run a few errands. It was hard enough getting lunch to the babes. That and there really is not much food in my house right now. I didn't eat until almost 7 yesterday evening. Needless to say, yelling happened, frustration happened, and I came really close to a break down.
If there is one thing you should know about me, its the fact that I cant afford to miss meals. Weight is a major major problem for me, and not in the sense most people complain about. I cannot miss meals. I lose weight so quickly, I am already way too thin. It is nearly impossible for me to gain weight. Throw nursing in there, its almost a recipe for disaster. The hubs thinks I need to quit nursing because little handsome is now 6 months old and the hubs feels nursing is putting too much of a tole on my body and mind. I just cant imagine quitting nursing right now. I literally broke down when he told me that. I'm not ready to quit nursing, not yet. But health wise, it would be a good idea. But I just cant do it.
I need to dig deep, I need to find the root of my problems. I need to fix them. But I am just so intimidated. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. Its hard enough talking to my husband. On top of that, we cant afford it. Even if I did want to go get help, we don't have the money to do so. We have no insurance, we have no savings. We make ends meet. We spend our excess on luxuries when we are lucky enough to have excess. I don't always feel this way, I have a cycle. Right now I'm at the bottom of that cycle. I'm just hoping so desperately that it ends soon and I move towards the upside. I'm not unhappy with my life. I have everything I could have ever imagined and more. I am so blessed and so truly thankful. I really don't know the cause of my issues. Maybe its upbringing, maybe I'm just crazy.
Well, I feel like I have said this a thousand times now. But here I go, starting over yet AGAIN. Wish me luck that I make it through today and this weekend. I can do this, I can make it through today without yelling.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
So Much To Say, Not Sure How to Say it.
Yesterday was a relatively good day as far as the Challenge goes. Though I did kind of shout when little handsome grabbed onto his poopy diaper as I was changing him and flung it towards his face. I think that one would make most anyone shout in surprise. It wasn't an angry yell, it was just a HOLY COW BROTHER NO! Kind of thing, so I'm not counting it. The day went very smoothly, the kids were great and I was able cope, for the most part.
I did have an emotional break down after I put both babes down for bed. All of the emotions that I have been bottling up for so long just bubbled to the surface and I kind of lost it. Good thing the babes were asleep. Most people that know me would say I have no problem talking, I would be considered a talker. What people don't know is that I have an extremely hard time talking about things that really matter. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my husband about what is going on in my head.
Finally yesterday I grew a pair and just opened up to him. It felt good. He is such a wonderful man and my inability to talk to him had nothing to do with him. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about my issues. Mostly out of fear, because when you talk about your problems, it means you have to admit you have them. In my head I've admitted that there is something wrong, probably more serious than I ever wanted to chalk it up to. But saying it out loud, that is a whole new ball game.
I still haven't really opened up about everything, but I was able to get the most fresh feelings out on the table. Sadly those hurt feelings are about his family. As I've said in previous posts, my husband has an amazing family. I'm truly thankful for them. I used to be treated like one of their own, but slowly as time passes that changes. Story of my life. My mother in law and my husbands two sisters used to invite me all the time to outings when the younger of the sisters came to town. Now, I don't even know she is here until the day she is leaving. And at that time I hear about the lunches they went to and the shopping trips they went on. The ones that I used to be invited on, the ones that I no longer get invites to. And it hurts. It hurts to be left out. I understand that its "mother and daughters" but I used to be included. It really hurts to be left out.
I cried and cried about this for a while, darling dear listened and talked to me about it. It was good to get the feelings out, because honestly, at that point I wanted nothing to do with his family any more. I told him that I would most likely not be going over to his parents house for Fathers Day dinner. I'm still not sure if I am going. I know it sounds petty of me. But no one ever said feelings were rational. Mine definitely aren't. But I'm sick of trying to be 100% rational, because that's when I start bottling everything up again. That's when the depression hits, and it hits hard. That's when I go to a dark place that no one should ever have to go, a place that many don't return from.
Sometimes I feel like I should have a cheerleader. Someone who knows and maybe even understands what I am going though. But I just cant seem to bring myself to sharing any of this with anyone. I know the irony, I'm blogging about it. But hey, it is anonymous right! ... right? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll open up a little more, but until then I can hide behind my computer screen where no one knows me.
So far I am one day down, lets shoot for one more. And while I'm at it, I'm going to throw another challenge out there for myself, and that is to talk to the hubby daily about me. About my crazies.
I did have an emotional break down after I put both babes down for bed. All of the emotions that I have been bottling up for so long just bubbled to the surface and I kind of lost it. Good thing the babes were asleep. Most people that know me would say I have no problem talking, I would be considered a talker. What people don't know is that I have an extremely hard time talking about things that really matter. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my husband about what is going on in my head.
Finally yesterday I grew a pair and just opened up to him. It felt good. He is such a wonderful man and my inability to talk to him had nothing to do with him. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about my issues. Mostly out of fear, because when you talk about your problems, it means you have to admit you have them. In my head I've admitted that there is something wrong, probably more serious than I ever wanted to chalk it up to. But saying it out loud, that is a whole new ball game.
I still haven't really opened up about everything, but I was able to get the most fresh feelings out on the table. Sadly those hurt feelings are about his family. As I've said in previous posts, my husband has an amazing family. I'm truly thankful for them. I used to be treated like one of their own, but slowly as time passes that changes. Story of my life. My mother in law and my husbands two sisters used to invite me all the time to outings when the younger of the sisters came to town. Now, I don't even know she is here until the day she is leaving. And at that time I hear about the lunches they went to and the shopping trips they went on. The ones that I used to be invited on, the ones that I no longer get invites to. And it hurts. It hurts to be left out. I understand that its "mother and daughters" but I used to be included. It really hurts to be left out.
I cried and cried about this for a while, darling dear listened and talked to me about it. It was good to get the feelings out, because honestly, at that point I wanted nothing to do with his family any more. I told him that I would most likely not be going over to his parents house for Fathers Day dinner. I'm still not sure if I am going. I know it sounds petty of me. But no one ever said feelings were rational. Mine definitely aren't. But I'm sick of trying to be 100% rational, because that's when I start bottling everything up again. That's when the depression hits, and it hits hard. That's when I go to a dark place that no one should ever have to go, a place that many don't return from.
Sometimes I feel like I should have a cheerleader. Someone who knows and maybe even understands what I am going though. But I just cant seem to bring myself to sharing any of this with anyone. I know the irony, I'm blogging about it. But hey, it is anonymous right! ... right? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll open up a little more, but until then I can hide behind my computer screen where no one knows me.
So far I am one day down, lets shoot for one more. And while I'm at it, I'm going to throw another challenge out there for myself, and that is to talk to the hubby daily about me. About my crazies.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Been A While
It's been a while since I've posted. I was out of town all weekend with no Internet access so I was unable to write over the weekend. I just haven't had a chance to sit down and blog since I got home. Not that there really is much to report on. My weekend was good in the sense we had fun. Awful in the Orange Rhino Challenge. I yelled over the weekend and I've yelled since I've been home. I've had a lot of emotions making me crazy lately. I don't really have a whole lot of time right now to write about them but I'll try to get back on soon. It helps me to spill my guts. Though I think I may start a journal, an actual one on paper. The trick is to remember to write in it.
Well, I'm starting up the Challenge AGAIN today. Lets see if I can make it.
Well, I'm starting up the Challenge AGAIN today. Lets see if I can make it.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
A Fairly Good Day
Yesterday was a pretty decent day. I had a couple of close calls, but I was able to survive and not yell. It really is rough being sick as a mom. I feel like the cold is starting to subside, but it is still there. I'm thankful I have such great kids. Sure they have their moments, but over all, my kids are awesome. It was fun spending the evening with just the two little ones while the hubs was at a business meeting.
This weekend will be an interesting one all around. I'll be going out of town to my parents house with the babes while the hubs goes camping and hiking with some of his friends. I may not get a chance to blog over the weekend, but I'll be sure to blog when I get home. There should be some interesting stories. There almost always are when I'm at my parents house. My mom and I tend to clash. Frequently.
It should be a good learning experience. My goal is to ultimately not yell any more, this weekend is sure to test my limits. But I know I can do this, I know I can make it through the weekend without yelling. Part of the reason I'm going to stay with my parents over the weekend is because I'm not sure I could make it through the weekend on my own. My step dad absolutely adores the princess, and she adores him. It will be fun for her to go see grandpa and the horseys.
Well, this post is kind of boring and I really don't have much more to say right now. I've been yell free for 3 days! Lets shoot for 3 more! Wish me luck over the weekend! I may not get a chance to blog until Monday, but I'll try to get on tomorrow morning for updates.
This weekend will be an interesting one all around. I'll be going out of town to my parents house with the babes while the hubs goes camping and hiking with some of his friends. I may not get a chance to blog over the weekend, but I'll be sure to blog when I get home. There should be some interesting stories. There almost always are when I'm at my parents house. My mom and I tend to clash. Frequently.
It should be a good learning experience. My goal is to ultimately not yell any more, this weekend is sure to test my limits. But I know I can do this, I know I can make it through the weekend without yelling. Part of the reason I'm going to stay with my parents over the weekend is because I'm not sure I could make it through the weekend on my own. My step dad absolutely adores the princess, and she adores him. It will be fun for her to go see grandpa and the horseys.
Well, this post is kind of boring and I really don't have much more to say right now. I've been yell free for 3 days! Lets shoot for 3 more! Wish me luck over the weekend! I may not get a chance to blog until Monday, but I'll try to get on tomorrow morning for updates.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sick Day
You're probably sick when you are blasting the heat in your car on the way to work in the morning. You really have to face the music when you are sitting at your desk, shivering, with your hands wrapped around a hot cup of chamomile tea, in June. Mommies should never ever have to get sick. It makes life just so much harder.
That being said, yesterday was actually a very good day! We had a doctors appointment for little handsome in the morning, ate lunch, and all took naps. Though the nap wasn't as long as they usually take, it was nice. After the nap daddy came home from work and watched little handsome while the princess and I went out for a bit. It really was a good day.
I am proud to say that, cold and all, I was able to make it through the whole day without yelling! Woo! I feel invigorated and more determined to keep to my guns and to not quit the challenge, ever. I know that I can do this, I know that one day I'll look back and its been a year, two years, three years! Since the last time I yelled at my beautiful babes.
So this cold is seriously messing with my brain and I really cant think of much more to say, even though I know I have more to say. So I'll just go ahead and end my post for today. Two days back under my belt! Lets shoot for 2 more!
That being said, yesterday was actually a very good day! We had a doctors appointment for little handsome in the morning, ate lunch, and all took naps. Though the nap wasn't as long as they usually take, it was nice. After the nap daddy came home from work and watched little handsome while the princess and I went out for a bit. It really was a good day.
I am proud to say that, cold and all, I was able to make it through the whole day without yelling! Woo! I feel invigorated and more determined to keep to my guns and to not quit the challenge, ever. I know that I can do this, I know that one day I'll look back and its been a year, two years, three years! Since the last time I yelled at my beautiful babes.
So this cold is seriously messing with my brain and I really cant think of much more to say, even though I know I have more to say. So I'll just go ahead and end my post for today. Two days back under my belt! Lets shoot for 2 more!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Six Years Ago
This past weekend was a crazy one. I hardly had a chance to sit down to breathe let alone blog. But here I am Monday morning, finally getting a chance to sit down and blog. This was a rough weekend. I cracked, at least twice. And it kills me. But in falling, I was able to recognize yet another trigger.
Stress: I am seriously the biggest stress case there ever was. Because I was so busy, I became stressed. Because I was stressed, I lost it.
There was a lot of good in the weekend as well. Being so busy wasn't all bad. There were plenty of learning experiences for me. And learning experiences are always a positive thing.
Now on to the post title. Six years ago today was essentially the biggest day of my life, it was the day I met my eternal companion. It was the day I met my husband. It is incredible how quickly time passes! I can hardly believe that six years have passed and we now have two beautiful children.
Simple choices can change our lives forever. It was one simple decision that lead me to meeting my husband. It was one simple decision that lead me to The Orange Rhino. Though I am still on my journey to a yell free life. My life has already changed. I was able to make it through yesterday without yelling. So lets shoot for one more! I can do this!
Stress: I am seriously the biggest stress case there ever was. Because I was so busy, I became stressed. Because I was stressed, I lost it.
There was a lot of good in the weekend as well. Being so busy wasn't all bad. There were plenty of learning experiences for me. And learning experiences are always a positive thing.
Now on to the post title. Six years ago today was essentially the biggest day of my life, it was the day I met my eternal companion. It was the day I met my husband. It is incredible how quickly time passes! I can hardly believe that six years have passed and we now have two beautiful children.
Simple choices can change our lives forever. It was one simple decision that lead me to meeting my husband. It was one simple decision that lead me to The Orange Rhino. Though I am still on my journey to a yell free life. My life has already changed. I was able to make it through yesterday without yelling. So lets shoot for one more! I can do this!
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