Yesterday was a relatively good day as far as the Challenge goes. Though I did kind of shout when little handsome grabbed onto his poopy diaper as I was changing him and flung it towards his face. I think that one would make most anyone shout in surprise. It wasn't an angry yell, it was just a HOLY COW BROTHER NO! Kind of thing, so I'm not counting it. The day went very smoothly, the kids were great and I was able cope, for the most part.
I did have an emotional break down after I put both babes down for bed. All of the emotions that I have been bottling up for so long just bubbled to the surface and I kind of lost it. Good thing the babes were asleep. Most people that know me would say I have no problem talking, I would be considered a talker. What people don't know is that I have an extremely hard time talking about things that really matter. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my husband about what is going on in my head.
Finally yesterday I grew a pair and just opened up to him. It felt good. He is such a wonderful man and my inability to talk to him had nothing to do with him. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about my issues. Mostly out of fear, because when you talk about your problems, it means you have to admit you have them. In my head I've admitted that there is something wrong, probably more serious than I ever wanted to chalk it up to. But saying it out loud, that is a whole new ball game.
I still haven't really opened up about everything, but I was able to get the most fresh feelings out on the table. Sadly those hurt feelings are about his family. As I've said in previous posts, my husband has an amazing family. I'm truly thankful for them. I used to be treated like one of their own, but slowly as time passes that changes. Story of my life. My mother in law and my husbands two sisters used to invite me all the time to outings when the younger of the sisters came to town. Now, I don't even know she is here until the day she is leaving. And at that time I hear about the lunches they went to and the shopping trips they went on. The ones that I used to be invited on, the ones that I no longer get invites to. And it hurts. It hurts to be left out. I understand that its "mother and daughters" but I used to be included. It really hurts to be left out.
I cried and cried about this for a while, darling dear listened and talked to me about it. It was good to get the feelings out, because honestly, at that point I wanted nothing to do with his family any more. I told him that I would most likely not be going over to his parents house for Fathers Day dinner. I'm still not sure if I am going. I know it sounds petty of me. But no one ever said feelings were rational. Mine definitely aren't. But I'm sick of trying to be 100% rational, because that's when I start bottling everything up again. That's when the depression hits, and it hits hard. That's when I go to a dark place that no one should ever have to go, a place that many don't return from.
Sometimes I feel like I should have a cheerleader. Someone who knows and maybe even understands what I am going though. But I just cant seem to bring myself to sharing any of this with anyone. I know the irony, I'm blogging about it. But hey, it is anonymous right! ... right? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll open up a little more, but until then I can hide behind my computer screen where no one knows me.
So far I am one day down, lets shoot for one more. And while I'm at it, I'm going to throw another challenge out there for myself, and that is to talk to the hubby daily about me. About my crazies.
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